Recently, my toddler started using the word "No". She uses it to keep holding on to something if you want to take it away, to keep things as she likes them, to push away someone when she doesn't want them close to her or to indicate she does not want to go where we are taking her.
I started observing her boldness in saying "No". She does not fear it. And it's wonderful.
It's wonderful because it seems that as we grow, most of us lose this innate ability (or boldness) to sense and say No to things we perceive are harmful or even to stand our ground and defend what we want to protect. I have often stayed quiet or agreed to something just to keep the peace, to be courteous, or to be politically correct... or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I say no.
Because I would like to be as bold as my toddler, I asked myself, How did I lose such a sense, and what can I do to regain what I hope was innate, what I might have deep inside somewhere?
In my Psychology studies (I'm not a Psychologist, but I like to study Psychology), I remember reading about "conditioning". It's when you mold someone's behavior by the rewards given. If the rewards are positive, the person is encouraged. If the reward is negative, the behavior is restrained.
So, what is the balance? What do we say yes to, and when do we say Stop?
I know for example that it's bad to go against your values, so saying no to things that are obviously bad for you is a no-brainer, and yet, why the addictions, the tormentuous relationships, the crimes?
Why do we do that? Why do we go along with things (or people) wanting to take away our dignity, self-esteem, sleep or freedom? Or on a lower scale, Why do we say yes to yet another commitment instead of saying no?
It must be that the reward is a positive one for us, so we look to the reward instead of what we're saying yes to. We hate to hear that displeased tone from the person on the phone or a sad look from the person who just asked.
We want to make the other person happy. We want the approval. We'd rather have outer peace than inner peace. We want to keep an image.
In reading the Bible, I noticed Jesus was independent of the outcome. He was very true to himself.
If he needed to be alone, He did so. If he needed to sleep, He did so, despite a storm threatening the boat.
But along with being true to Himself, He was compassionate.
When people came to Him to listen to His preaching, He took time to feed them. When His feet were washed with tears, He didn't take to heart the criticism that the others in the room expressed.
I want to find that strength... to be true, despite the outcome. I want to be so sure of my purpose that the reward from others does not affect what I do.
That's not to say I won't be kind, because part of my nature is to be kind. I don't want to put people down or offend. That is not part of my goal in life. But I do want to be so clear of that goal, that if others challenge to "condition" me with their negative feedback, it will not change me.
I want to be in control of what I give and of how far I will go. I want to be so sure of my purpose that I move forward despite the odds, knowing that I will get opposition. After all, opposition from people is also part of living in this earth full of limitations.
But I am beginning to accept that if I'm in tune with my purpose or divine mission in life, I can fulfill that mission with God's graceful protection and guidance over me, not fearing the world, but fearing leaving this earth without having done what I came here to do.
It's amazing to reflect on what a toddler can teach. I had lost that part of me that is strongwilled, yet after writing this I am filled with certainty that I will find that strength again. I hope you find your strength too.
