God's Gift: Saying "No", Saying "Yes", And Choosing When

     For a while now, I have been cooking up the right approach on the subject of agency. 

     At first, I thought of a series of examples, but I got off subject. Then I thought of just posting a nice and easy: "Just say No". But that didn't work either because there are some things we need to say yes to. 

     I finally gave up plotting something special and decided to write from the heart. While I do so, keep in mind my insight does not dismiss the importance of using common sense but rather encourages you to treasure and give value to one of your biggest assets: freedom of choice.

     It is not a new subject, this topic of agency, but as I have observed what we use it for, I have realized there are some important points to highlight.

     To start off, the freedom to choose is a God-given gift. We were not born as something to be mastered by people or situations. We were meant to become masters through our choices, to create favorable situations as well as choose those people we want to be surrounded by. 

     When we were just babies, even before we could speak, we turned our heads to indicate "no more". If we wanted to sit or walk, we went for it. No prompting needed. As we adapt to our surroundings, we learn to follow the will of our parents and of our friends over our own. Our nos become grunting yeses. 

    This would be fine if you tend to be selfish and think that all your ideas must be better than those of others. Yet, what about those who constantly sacrifice their freedom to satisfy the selfish desires of others?

     Here are more questions: At what point do we completely lose the ability to "go for it" without waiting for a prompting, or to turn our heads and say "no more"? What price do we pay when we give up the freedom to choose? And what reward are we seeking in exchange for it?

     I find it so mind-boggling that the very gift God gave us is so often found missing, when it should be the tool we use most. When we say Yes to something, we are saying No to something else. What are we truly choosing? I'll give you an example.  
      
     Let's say I have been asked to volunteer for my child's school field trip. I already said yes to hosting a get-together among friends that afternoon. Nevertheless, I say yes to the school field trip, knowing in my heart that I will be stressed that afternoon because I already have a commitment. 

     Why would I do that? Why give away the gift of choosing to say No?

     
     If you're feeling overwhelmed at this point with impotence, guilt, or if your mind is racing with reasons why you need to say yes, I don't blame you. It's these justifications I know too well which I now speak against.

     You see, since God is the giver of this gift, and the purpose of it is to practice choosing for ourselves, we cannot let other things or people choose for us. 

     We must allow God to lead us in our decisions. He will let us know in our hearts, without justifications, what is the road we need to take. And at that point, we choose whether to listen to our hearts or ignore the guidance.

     
      Things and people will freely use our resources (time, energy, and money) unless we say No. And it's not about being mean or nice. It's about taking back our gift, which unbeknownst to most of us, is given away with a simple "Yes."
     
     Saying yes to things that are important is good, but too much of a good thing is not so good. 

     Yes to taking care of yourself is good, but too much is selfishness. 

     Yes to church obligations is good, but too much can burn you out. 

     Yes to being social is a healthy part of being human, but too much shows a void that's not being filled. 

     Take a look again at all your yeses. Could they be robbing you of the freedom to choose? Paradoxical concept, isn't it?
     
     Take back your yeses. Don't give them away. Take a moment to see if the choice is necessary, worthwhile, conducive to your goals, and most importantly, if it feels right. Because only God can give you the peace in your heart which acts like a "lamp unto your feet".


     There are many ways to say No:

• "Wait."
• "Stop."
• "Hold on."
• "I'd love to, but I already committed to..." 
• "I'd feel more comfortable if..."

     Try saying:

• "Let me get back to you next week." (This gives you time to think and feel.)
• "Let me call you back."
• "Let me think about it."
• "That's sounds (fun, great, interesting), but I don't feel like it this weekend. Maybe next time." 

     Suggest alternative activities/people that are a better fit:

• "I can't commit, but I know someone who would love to help"
• "I'm not really a fan of ____________. How about __________ instead?"

     The more you practice this great gift of agency, the more your energy and resources will be focused and strong instead of weak and spread out. You will be able to tune in to God's guidance and feel comfortable using this gift. You will learn with more clarity the purpose of this gift and how to use it in your life.    
     
     Remember, we have been given this gift since before our birth. The main purpose of it is to practice being masters and not to become subject to things or people. 

     So, practice choosing. Choose what to do, when to do it, why to do it, how to do it. If your heart is set on aligning your will to God's, then you'll find that the very gift of choice, used as it was meant, is one of the most powerful gifts given to mankind. Best of luck!

Homemakers: Creating a Place of Order, Refuge, And Safety

I have often struggled to follow a model of the home I always wanted. Magazines and TV didn't show me. School didn't either. And Mom was working. 

So how was I supposed to organize my home as a place of unity, harmony, moral support, kindness, and all those things that I feel lacked in my youth? No one handed me a manual. No one took me by the hand... I turned to wisdom from good books, and I prayed. A lot.

The other day, I heard about a study done on marriage. It said that despite all the odds, people still want to get married. It also said that having a successful marriage is not an end in itself but rather a process that is adjusted through the life of the marriage. 

I agree. Not only have I found great satisfaction in a loving home and marriage, but that satisfaction has come after a lot of hard work. It has taken hours of talking, frustration, learning, making mistakes, readjusting, being patient, and letting go of bad habits and false ideas that I acquired from my youth. And we're not done. We keep adjusting according to what life brings along.

Because I come from a broken home and know the contrast of a wholesome one, it bothers me that the media takes these most important and sacred of human relations-- the marriage and family-- and undermines their great worth. It markets happiness in marriage and family as an illusion by exploiting its physical satisfaction, its social status, the wedding ceremony, or even creating shows that bring down the morale in the family unit.

Where are the success stories? Who promotes fidelity, endurance, and the skills of giving and taking? We all know about the most satisfying of all relationships, but who teaches us how to achieve that long lasting satisfaction? It's as if we all wanted to fill this untouchable void, but we look around and can't find anything that shows us how. All we hear is what doesn't work!

Let me share something I believe does work, something I believe was inspired by God, especially for us. It’s a guide, sort of like a manual, but briefly touches on things that will help the marriage and family succeed, like "faith, prayer, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (see "The Family, A Proclamation to the World", paragraph 7).

I also want to share with you one of the most inspiring speeches on defending marriage, home and family that I have ever heard. It was given by Bonnie L. Oscarson this past Saturday. I highly recommend it! View it here. 

In a world where many share their own philosophies so loudly (and some of these are pure selfishness), I want to elevate my voice in defending the sacredness of the home and the family. It's hard work! The hardest part is... no one really applauds homemakers, and by homemaker I mean any person in the family who works toward making that house a home. And yet, a homemaker is one of those people that fills that void I mentioned earlier. A homemaker is a sort of silent healer. As Bonnie L. Oscarson said in her speech, "What a difference it would make in the world if all people would see themselves as makers of righteous homes!"

I invite you to join me as I rededicate myself to making my house a place of righteousness, of order... a refuge. This time, I will teach my husband and children that they can also be homemakers. And to all of you who are already homemakers: Keep going. It's worth it. You are A W E S O M E! 

How Do You Manage Emotions?

Today I was prompted by a question: How do you control emotions? Here is what I replied.

 

I learned a long time ago that our emotions come from our ideas of how things should be; in other words, our expectations. The more flexible we are with our expectations, the easier it is to manage anger, anxiety, and frustration. I’m not saying we should not hold others accountable for breaking agreements, but if we are not tightly wrapped in an idea of how things should be, it's easier to let it go and move on. Once we are past the shock of it not going how we expected, it is easier to approach that disappointment with a manageable attitude.

 

 

Another thing I have learned is to be aware of your body's cues that emotions will soon get out of control: Do you get a headache? Do your hands start sweating or do you tighten your jaw? Does any part of your body (usually your stomach or neck) feel tight? What about your heartbeat? Take a break as soon as you notice these cues, and follow some classic techniques to regain control of your emotions. Try imagining a peaceful scene or a happy ending. Breathe slower and deeper. Or try saying or thinking positive phrases like: "I am able...", "I can...", and "It is possible..." Now, I pass the question on to you:

How do you manage your emotions?

(You can post your answer below.)

Start Imperfectly

 
I just got the best advice from a friend: "Just do it!"

For those out there who think things over and over to check if they are just right before you start... Stop! Things will never be perfect. There will always be that one small thing that holds you back. The "what if...?" the "but I don't have..." or the fear of failure or criticism. Forget it! Stop giving it space in your heart and mind. It will not help you get started. Ever.

Most great ideas we see today were full of critics at the start, but thank God that didn't stop them from existing!

Just because an idea isn't perfect doesn't mean it has to die.


Do you think big companies started big? Do you think they had all the answers right up front? Do you think they started just as you see them today? Of course not! They developed. They grew. They started small. They had setbacks along the way that they had to overcome. It wasn't a smooth ride, but they evolved with time. And you can do the same.

Those fears that stop you will still be there when you start, but guess what? As you develop, as you evolve, they will go away. You will develop and grow along with your bright idea. No, it won't be all you envision at first. How can it be? It hasn't reached its peak. When things begin, they need work— constant work— attention, and care. (Think of a baby.) But as you put your heart into it and learn from those with more experience, you change, you tweak, you evolve.

So, just start. You've probably gathered as much information, courage and support as you'll ever gather until you start. Once you start, you will gather more information, your small successes will add to your courage, and your determination will gain supporters. Don't wait for someone else to do it. No one will do it for you.

Remember, not all the growth or progress will come at first, and you don't have to go fast. You just have to be consistent and not give up. It's your creation, so you have all the freedom to adjust things here and there, to morph it... to grow along with it. 

May this day be the day you give yourself permission to start imperfectly, to keep trying to reach that dream, to have faith that you have greatness in you, and that sharing it will help fill a void for someone somewhere.